20 Years

The shitty thing about wearing a bandana is that it's a big fat sign to strangers that "HEY YOU I HAVE CANCER AND DOESN'T THAT SUCK."

Most people are cool and treat me like a normal human. Some give me a nod of recognition and understanding, which I appreciate very much because it usually means they've been in the trenches themselves or with a loved one. 

Some people come over and tell me their entire cancer story. Most of the time this is fine with me because they Get It. They know. They know better than me what is ahead, and I like hearing about it, as tough as it may be to hear. 

Then there are people like the stranger who came up to me today. He told me his wife's entire history of having breast cancer three times and a double mastectomy over twenty years and how her hair never grew back in right and it might not grow back at all this time and it's too much for a seventy year old woman to go through. 

At first I pasted an understanding smile on my face and nodded along because I was hangry, but as I realized that the man saw his wife strictly as a victim instead of a survivor with a lot to be thankful for, I decided to say as much.

"You have no idea how much I would love to make it to seventy years old. I would give anything to live another twenty years, even going through cancer three times."

The man's mouth dropped.

"My prognosis was in months, not years, so your wife is very lucky to have made it twenty years with breast cancer. I wish her the very best."

One person's curse is another person's blessing. I'd trade her so fast her wig fell off. 

The Greatest Man in My Life

The other day the song "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain came on and as always, I mishear it as "I'll be the greatest man of your life," because I don't like the actual word they use, "greatest fan of your life." I think it sounds goofy. 

Well this song came on while I was in the man cave, me working on a stained glass project and Dear Ol' Dad setting up his new workshop. He was cursing up a storm (but I know he was secretly loving every minute of it because he's such a Mr. Fix-It) and I was smiling at his cursing, because it makes me laugh and it's just how he is. Sometimes his cursing gets especially colorful, much to my delight. My love of language comes from him for that reason, actually. 

Hearing the song with Dad standing only ten feet away from me made me think of a father-daughter version, something that could be played for the father-daughter dance at the wedding I'll never get to have. Naturally, it rewrote the lyrics to accommodate this below. 

My relationship with Dear Ol' Dad has deepened since I'm living with my folks again since my cancer diagnosis (six months ago today). We watch Star Trek: Next Generation together and play dominoes and fight over the last scoops of cookies n' cream ice cream and he pokes me for fun and I threaten to purple nurple him. He has an endless supply of Dad jokes and extension cords and help putting on my compression socks and I love him for all of it because he's the best dad in the world. He was even before I had cancer; now even more so. 

When I first moved into the lakehouse with my folks in mid-September, Dad told me that he saw it as his job to be positive and keep me smiling. That must be incredibly hard on him, being a parent and having a sick child with a terminal illness. I actually feel worse for my parents than I do for myself, because they have to watch cancer slowly eat away at me, helpless to stop it. 

Besides that, children aren't meant to die before their parents, and yet that's probably what will happen because I have what, five to seven years if God grants me another miracle? And my father, who is healthy as a horse who eats his Wheaties every day, should live another fifteen to twenty years, easy. 

The two times I've really lost it and sobbed over my cancer, Dear Ol' Dad was there. He put his arm around me and let me cry big heaving wails against his chest, the sort of crying he hasn't seen since I was a small child, if ever. He told me he'd take my cancer on himself if he could, and I said I know he would, in a heartbeat.

Because that's how the best dads are. They don't want to see their kids hurt. They want to see their kids happy and healthy and living a full life. What do you do when your daughter's is ruined and there's very little you can do about it? 

You do the little things, like telling Dad jokes and making French toast when I'm sad and as many hugs as I want. You do the dad things, and that's why he's the greatest man in my life--and always will be.

"I'll Be the Greatest Man of Your Life"

*Please note: I really, really, am not encouraging incest here. Just ordinary, healthy, paternal love between father and daughter, because there aren't too many songs about that, and there should be. 

The first time I held your tiny self in my arms

Stopped me and stole my breath.

Eyes like gems lit up in the sky

Never revealing their depth.
And tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll be there for you to love,
You can count on me, even when I'm up above.

And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be there for you when you're older,
I'll be the greatest man of your life.

And one day I hate to think about it

You'll leave me when you wed
And you're my survival, I'll always commit.
My love is alive never dead.
And tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll be there for you to love,
You can count on me, even when I'm up above.

And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be there for you when you're older,
I'll be the greatest man of your life.

And I've turned up, I've tucked in, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've been cried on, remembered the things that you said

And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be there for you when you're older,
I'll be the greatest man of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be there for you when you're older,
I'll be the greatest man of your life.

The greatest man of your life.
...greatest man of your life.